Safe?

Yesterday was a tough day...God has been taking me through some things lately that have really opened my eyes to who I am. And right now, I'm not liking what I'm finding out. I know that I'm growing, but geeze, it's tough.

For a long time I've prided myself on being a driven and independent woman. I've always sort of done my own thing. I don't rely on other people to take care of me, or to make my decisions, or to tell me what to think or how to act. I figure those things out myself. I've always been proud of the fact that I am not afraid to take chances, and that if I put my mind to something I often achieve it. I set goals and I reach them.

Anyone notice how many I's were in the above paragraph? And that's exactly where the problem lies. I've realized that I am no different in my relationship with God. God can be my "friend," but as far as letting him make the decisions, or helping me achieve my goals, (which, once again, are MY goals, not His,) or shaping the way I think and act, or relying on him for help....well, I've sort of said "thanks but no thanks."

Now don't get me wrong, I know God has made me to be an independent thinker, and to be driven, etc...those things can certainly be used for His glory. But right now, my pride isn't allowing for that.

Last week, I prayed that God would break me...truly break me, and rebuild my heart. I knew he'd answer this, but I didn't know how, and honestly, I've been pretty nervous. Lot's has been going on since then, and I've had such a hard time trusting that God is going to work it all out.

Then yesterday, I had someone ask me to pray for them....and my first thought was, "Well, Ok, but you just need to do it...be driven and figure it out." And I think that's how I've viewed my relationship with God for a while. Sort of a "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" mentality.

So, right now, I'm re-learning how to truly depend on Jesus. I know in my head that he is trustworthy, that he is good. But now I need that knowledge to transform my heart.

This quote from C.S. Lewis has totally taken on new meaning for me lately:

"Safe?... Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. but he's good. He's the King, I tell you."